After having been experienced the ecstasy of finally getting to see a BFP and suddenly been snatched out of it is really heartbreaking.  I actually don’t know where and how to begin.   I was really out of words…

But not for so long for I came to realize that there is no use crying over spilt milk.  The past cannot be undone and it would be so much better if we focus more of our energies to today so that we can have a favorable tomorrow.   We can always start anew, right?

So since I’ve started spotting on CD36, I went in to the clinic and requested for some blood works to be done.  I just figured out that if I am about to begin my 2^nd Clomid Cycle, I might as well have that piece of mind that I am indeed safe to take the pill.

CD37 and the bleeding started bringing so much pain with her.  Oh it really sucks to have Endo! Anyhows, I obtained the results from the Lab that very same day.  And what do I expect apart from a BFN?  Isn’t it obvious specially that I am already bleeding?

Alas!  Stop bi+#*ing out lady.  You have to calm down remember?

It was a good thing that I was trained in my previous jobs to have control over my own emotions. Not an easy job though but it surely helps when I want to get myself motivated.  A big thanks to Napoleon Hill and all his writings.

Today is CD8 of my 2^nd Clomid Cycle and I am finally done taking the pills.  I hope it’ll work for me this time.  I would definitely need all the tricks and prayers I can get.  Lol, I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Today is Cycle Day (CD) No. 36 and I am so confused, frustrated and scared to death!

I normally have a 28-30 Day Cycle and a Lutheal Phase (LH) of 13 and yesterday, since it was CD35, I caved in and peed on a stick.  I prepared my heart to be crushed again but hope was just around the corner when a line, not so dark though, showed up in an instant.  I couldn’t believe what I saw but I can’t help myself but cling in to that little window of hope.  Could I really be pregnant?  What If?  But why is the bottom part of the line darker than its upper part?  Hence, they say that a line is still a line and I’d like to take it as a Big Fat Positive (BFP)!

My heart went pumping really early fast this morning when I get to learn that my temperature just dropped.  Since it was still above the coverline, I just ignored it.  However, when I went to pee on the two (2) different sticks that I have at home, my heart was, once again, broken when they showed two (2) different results.  They don’t seem to agree with each other because one (1) stick gave me a BFP while the other came up with a Big Fat Negative (BFN).  What the???  This doesn’t seem so good…

Then, I felt like my heart has been beaten to death when, an hour later, I saw a tinged of pale brown color in the tissue after I have wiped it.  I felt so distressed that after having been upped with all those hopes, something immediately snatched it away from me and now, I am faced with a thought of an Ectopic Pregnancy or an Early Miscarriage?  This is so devastating!

I couldn’t help but feel sad.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to freak out.  But you know what?  I think I’ve heard a small voice telling me that I must act and feel that way for I am so loved by my God and that He surely knows what He is doing and has planned everything according to His time.  I just need to put my trust in Him.  I just have to…

“Fear not and lift everything up to Him!”   That’s what my mom told me when she learned about the bad news.  “Don’t worry my dear, He will take care of everything.  Just be patient.  It’ll come to you.”

I don’t know but upon hearing her words, I felt much better.  Thanks Mom.  You really are the best.  I love you so much!

Aunt Flow (AF) is supposed to be due today and I actually do not know what to feel.  Part of me says that I might be out for this month but a bigger part of me stays optimistic that July may definitely be my month.

So the Curious & Impatient Me stroke back when I’ve learned last night that I still have one (1) stick left in our Medicine Cabinet and I wasted no time and peed on it this morning at around 4:15 AM and behold, it was a negative.  My heart was initially crushed but I managed to convince myself that it might still be too early for testing.  

What positive thinking I got here ei?!?

Anyhows, my mood was suddenly on when I entered my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) for this morning in my Fertility Friend Chart.  Well, the application might have finally agreed with me with regards to my Ovulation Date – Cycle Day (CD) No. 18.  Not quite exact but at least it is quite close to my projection which is CD17 which means that I am currently somewhere around 12 Days Past Ovulation (DPO).  It really felt good thinking that I am on track and I did something right.

Twelve (12) DPO and still with a Big Fat Negative (BFN)???

My BBT is continuously been rising but everything seems to be blurry and I just hope that AF will stay out of the way.

Fingers crossed!

 

Just when I was about to blow the good news of my period being finally late, there goes Aunt Flow's (AF's) treacherous attack and spoiled all the fun!

I thought I will finally get to miss the agony of her visit.  I was under the impression that one will get to stop having their periods while on Lupron.  But I guess I was wrong. I've expected much.  I became thrilled with the thought of finally being spared from the pain.  I am so wrong!

It was late Thursday afternoon when I've started cramping.  Though part of me says that AF will be striking any minute, I was in denial and really hoped that, this time, she will never get to show her ugly face.

Well, what do you know? My instincts were right!

It was only after a few hours when she hit me.  Only this time, she stroke back full of vengeance.  I was cramping and bleeding really bad.  So bad that I almost can't get myself out of bed.  I was crying so hard that Sir Bug almost fell down to his knees not knowing what to do and how to ease my pain.  I feel so guilty seeing him so helpless.  Yet, I am in great pain that I cannot stop myself from crying...

I kept on praying to God that He ease all my pain and permanently take it away so that I don't have to through it anymore.  The pains that I've had after the surgery were more bearable than this one.  This was definitely one of the worst period I ever had. Oh Endo, how I hate you!

Oh great, Aunt Flow just showed her ugly face.  She's a few days early and is just in time for my surgery.  What an excellent timing...

Boo!

This is really frustrating.  After all that I've been through just to have this schedule set, I am now back to ground zero.  I am so disappointed!

I am supposed to be admitted at 10:59 AM but because of Aunt Flow, Dr. ANB decided to reschedule the surgery to avoid future complications.  He's afraid that a possible infection could take place if we push through with the activity.

Though I am agreeable to Dr. ANB's decision, I can't help but feel distressed.  Apart from the fact that Aunt Flow just spoiled my supposedly Christmas Break, I am so mad that Sir Bug and I still need to hold on a little longer before we, again, can try to conceive.  I feel so sad and wanted to freak out!

I don't want to sound complaining but how long do I really need to endure this severe menstrual cramps?  It hurt so much that it is enough to knock me off of my feet and interfere with my daily routine.  The twinges here and there feels like a punishment and Tylenol is the only friend that I can trust.  I am so tempted to grab my old friend Advil but having been able to learn how Ibuprofen's been unfriendly to Fertility, I am willing to bear the pain and settle for Paracetamol's subtleness.  I just wanted to put an end to this disease!

So this is it?  After a thirty-day wait and recently been able to dream of a big fat positive, Aunt Flow, once again, had shown her ugly face.  Though I still am not bleeding fully, I really can feel that she will soon come in full force anytime within the day.  I am now starting to feel that lower back pain that makes me too worried and afraid -- worried and afraid of the fact that I'll soon get to experience the severe pains and discomforts brought about by Aunt Flow's visit.

Just five days ago, I had this sharp pain in my lower abdomen that is enough to slow me down when I walk. The next day, I woke up very tired and fatigue was with me from that time onward. For the second time around since last month, I get to experience diarrhea two days prior to Aunt Flow's visit and while she is around.  Oh great, I think diarrhea would like to keep up with my cycle and I better get myself used to it.

Today, though I only have a light brown spot on my pad, I consider this as Day 1 of Cycle No. 3 of My Journey to Conception.  I just hope that this journey will not take that long and will just let me have my big fat positive...