After having been experienced the ecstasy of finally getting to see a BFP and suddenly been snatched out of it is really heartbreaking.  I actually don’t know where and how to begin.   I was really out of words…

But not for so long for I came to realize that there is no use crying over spilt milk.  The past cannot be undone and it would be so much better if we focus more of our energies to today so that we can have a favorable tomorrow.   We can always start anew, right?

So since I’ve started spotting on CD36, I went in to the clinic and requested for some blood works to be done.  I just figured out that if I am about to begin my 2^nd Clomid Cycle, I might as well have that piece of mind that I am indeed safe to take the pill.

CD37 and the bleeding started bringing so much pain with her.  Oh it really sucks to have Endo! Anyhows, I obtained the results from the Lab that very same day.  And what do I expect apart from a BFN?  Isn’t it obvious specially that I am already bleeding?

Alas!  Stop bi+#*ing out lady.  You have to calm down remember?

It was a good thing that I was trained in my previous jobs to have control over my own emotions. Not an easy job though but it surely helps when I want to get myself motivated.  A big thanks to Napoleon Hill and all his writings.

Today is CD8 of my 2^nd Clomid Cycle and I am finally done taking the pills.  I hope it’ll work for me this time.  I would definitely need all the tricks and prayers I can get.  Lol, I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Today’s Cycle Day (CD) No. 23 and if my calculations are right, I am currently 6 Days Past Ovulation (DPO).  So far, the following were the only notable changes that I’ve experienced in this cycle:

Frequent Headaches.  I don’t get to experience this much before but it seems like Mr. Headache is much in touch with me during this cycle.

Migraines.  I used to not know how to distinguish migraine from headache but this cycle was indeed helpful and partly educational that I get to learn the difference between the two.

Always Hungry.  Nothing surprising because I always am only this time, I am extra hungry.

Very Crampy.  I almost have forgotten her because she haven’t paid me a visit for quite some time now but I think Ms. Cramps had missed me so much that she came in early in this cycle and had never left me since then.  She was strongly hitting me from the pelvic area then down to my hips and legs for a few days in a row now.

Backaches.  My back has been killing me like I just carried tons and tons of loads in it.

Fatigue.  I suddenly became extremely tired of doing nothing.  Crazy!

Bloated.  Nothing new but it seems to be exaggerating itself during this month.

So So Gassy.  I feel like wanting to burp and fart most of the time.

Very Thirsty.  This is not me.  I barely drink 8 glasses of water a day but this cycle, I’ve been drinking an average of 1.5 Liters a day.  My throat seems to feel so dry nowadays that I always get to sneak into drinking and taking a sip.  I’m currently in Saudi Arabia where the majority is currently on fast because of the Ramadan Season and it is a big no no for Non-Muslims like me to eat and drink while they are around.

Frequent Urination.  Since I’ve been drinking too much, it goes to follow that I also pee a lot. Lol!

Not So Usual Abdominal Pain.  Yeah, I get to have an overstated abdominal pain before, during and after ovulation.  Very notable ones just took place yesterday where I am at CD22 and 5DPO.

I know and I’ve told myself not to obsess much but I can’t help it.  I am of so much hope that I won’t have to take Clomid in the coming months.  But this Two Week Wait is driving me crazy.  Symptoms that I have are also symptoms of Aunt Flow’s (AF’s) impending visit.  I feel so distressed!

I cannot help but stress myself as when am I supposed to ovulate.  I’ve been peeing on a stick since Cycle Day (CD) No. 9 and yet, the test lines seem to be so faint that it worries me if I am to ovulate this cycle or not.  I know that my body would respond a lot better if I am relaxed but things are indeed easier said than done.

Luckily, I didn’t get to have much of the talked-about side effects of Clomid.  It’s just that I am more consumed in having to succeed conceiving within this cycle.  I really hope that my body will respond well with the pill and that I need not take it further.

In my desire to successfully be able to conceive within this cycle, I tried, for the first, charting my temperature and utilizing an Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK).  Frankly, I kinda’ like the idea of doing both but the inconvenience of having to find the right OPKs here in Saudi and its cost is a pain in the ass.  I tried ordering it online along with those sperm-friendly lubricants but, unfortunately, both EBay and Amazon doesn’t ship it to my location.  So I guessed I have to be contented on what is available here and be more creative.

But God is good.  He make things happen even if it is not exactly the way we expected them to be.  I might not have been able to find Clear Blue here but at least I still was able to find some which also serves the same purpose – Ovu-Sure and Femtest.

Ovu-Sure comes in six cassettes while Femtest comes in five.  I used Ovu-Sure from CD9-14 and Femtest from CD15-17.  And since it was my first time to use such, I struggled in interpreting the results.  It’s a good thing that there’s a number of support communities online who had helped me with it.

I’ve uploaded a photo of the OPKs that I had from CD15-17 and most of the ladies out there agreed that I did have a positive on the CD16 which means that I am most likely to ovulate on CD17.  Now, what bothered me upon learning this is if I was able to catch the window?  I hope I did…

Today’s CD18 and while writing this, I just felt a short sharp shooting pain on my right which brings me hope.  Oh Lord, I lift everything up to you.  Please take control.  Amen.

 It was 01-July-2012 when, after three months of a no show, I finally get to be visited by Aunt Flow (AF) and never had I thought that I’ll be that thrilled to see her.  At last, I am, once again, back in the track and is all set to board the Trying to Conceive (TTC) Train and continue with my journey.

Though AF always comes with those awful pains, they are now less likely than my previous periods.  Surprisingly, I didn’t get to experience spotting prior to and after her four-day visit.  Yes, her visit lasted only for four days which is so much shorter than she used to.

She came in late in the morning while I was at work and I immediately ran to the Appointment Desk to be able to have an appointment with Dr. ANB the next day.  Unfortunately, I cannot be squeezed in for all the slots have already been filled up but was recommended that I walk in if it was really that urgent.  Of course, it was really an urgent matter for me for I need to be seen on my Cycle Day (CD) No. 2.  I need to start the treatment as soon as possible for I am running out of time!

Persistence Overcomes Resistance!

So I actually did win the battle and was seen by Dr. FY, who covered for Dr. ANB.  The consultation went smoothly and it was indeed enlightening.  Like what I have mentioned in my old post, she was actually pushing for an In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) due to my age but after weighing all the options, we both decided that I initially undergo an Induced Fertilization Process through Clomid.  Well, as far as I can remember, that was Dr. ANB’s plan…

I was told to take three rounds of the said pill beginning of CD2 of the current cycle and should supposedly be seen again on CD12 of the same cycle for monitoring.  Unfortunately, the available schedules don’t match so she decided to only see me again after three months.  But before parting our ways, Dr. FY stressed out that should I be experiencing a very bad abdominal cramping and nausea during Ovulation Time, I must have myself admitted to the Emergency Room (ER) and need not worry much for Clomid will make my body produced more mature eggs.  I was, somehow, pleased with the idea but still worried for I will go forth with the treatment for the next three months unmonitored.

Of Taking Things More Seriously

I finished my first round of Clomid on CD6 and according to the Clomid Ovulation Calculator which I found online, I should start using Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs) on CD9 and I am most likely to ovulate in between CD11 to CD16 which brings me more hope and extreme excitement.

Also, I have started charting my Basal Body Temperature (BBT) this cycle and although I only began taking my temps on CD4, I think I get to like doing so.  In fact, I even regret not doing it earlier.

I also learned that Clomid dries up one’s Cervical Mucus (CM) and thins the uterus – one thing that is quite alarming but can easily be reversed by taking Robitussin or any form of Guaifenesin and by Baby Aspirins.  To this, I forced Sir Bug into buying me a Robitussin and some Baby Aspirins.  This is it; I am now taking things more seriously.  I must conceive!

The Waiting Game

Since the Clomid Ovulation Calculator that I’ve found online indicated that I can start testing on OPKs in as early as CD9, I wasted no time and did so.  Unluckily, the test came out to be negative.  I guessed it was too early to test and decided to continue testing until I get that positive.

Today is CD16 and I still haven’t had a positive yet.  Though the lines are getting darker now, I can’t help but be worried and be frustrated.

Adding to all these uncertainties, my chart showed a temperature drop from 36.4°C on CD10 to 36.1°C on CD11 and then back to 36.4°C on CD12-14.  Did I ovulate on CD11?  How come I am not getting any positives on my OPKs?  Did I miss the window?  Or I really haven’t ovulated yet?

Oh this waiting game is driving me crazy!

Hello ladies, I’m back!  It’s been quite a while and I sure am been missing a lot out here.  How’s everyone doing?

I actually don’t know where to start as far as my journey is concerned but I am definitely am glad to learn that a number of my sisters out here have already achieved their much-awaited BFP’s and pray that you ladies will continue to do well in your pregnancies.  Can’t help but feel emotional on this matter not because of jealousy but because of joy that all your prayers, efforts and waiting have finally paid off.

As for me, a lot of things have taken place these past few months and I just wish I can detail things out.

I had my second and last shot of Lupron Depot on 26-March-2012.  I know that I’ve told you guys that I am supposed to have three but I missed my last shot because Sir Bug and I went out on a month-long vacation and can’t find a local pharmacy that will sell me one.  Anyhows, I didn’t get to experience many side effects on it except for the mild hot flashes and I didn’t get to have my period for three months.  Yeah right, I get to miss those terrible cramps and other sufferings brought about by Aunt Flow’s monthly visit for three months.  

I went back working on 26-May-2012 and had my follow-up check on 28-May-2012 but since Dr. ANB needs to attend to an urgent matter, it was Dr. AMS who covered for him.  I told her that I missed my last Lupron Depot Shot and she came back telling me that I need to take it at once and that I still have three more doses of it to be administered for the next three months wherein I disagreed for Sir Bug and I have taken a break from Trying to Conceive (TTC) for quite some time now and eagerly wishes to continue up with it since it’s already been almost six months past my surgery.  She then phoned Dr. ANB for his opinion and recommendations and I ended up to having scheduled for a Pelvic Ultrasound and a follow-up appointment on Cycle Day (CD) 2.  As per Dr. ANB, I shall be put on Clomid starting from CD 2 to CD 6 once I get to have my period.  That, somehow, gave me a bit of a relief but was suddenly snatched out of it when my conversation with Dr. AMS went on to telling me how difficult would it be for someone like me with Endometriosis to conceive and that the only chance that I have is through In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) wherein I have to stand in a long queue in order for me to get through if I wanted it to be done in our hospital.  Otherwise, it would be better to have it done somewhere else where I will get to spend such huge amount of money.  

Is she kidding me?  I can’t believe her.  Never had I thought that a specialist like her would have talk to a patient like me in that matter.  I know that reality sucks but I’m pretty sure that neither Dr. HM nor Dr. ANB would speak to me that way.  The two has always been positive and certain on which approach and treatment would suit their patients best.  However, I just let it pass me by and convinced myself that unlike the average and less skilled persons, the more skilled people focuses on possibilities and finding ways on how to do things rather than focusing on the problem itself.

Days have passed and I continued to bloat and been mistakenly been suspected by a lot of people to be pregnant.  Well, I think it’s a compliment and I’ve enjoyed it.  But reality bites, I still am not pregnant!

It was 01-July-2012 when I, once again, felt that horrible cramps and AF came gushing like she was on a rush.  Oddly, I was glad.  I never imagined that there will be a time that AF will be mostly welcome and that I will be that excited to have her in.  I then ran to the hospital to get an appointment but unfortunately, the schedule was full and I was instructed to just walk-in the next day which I did!

Dr. ANB was again out at that time and it was Dr. FY who came to attend to me.  As usual, she went through my history and read me my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and Pelvic Ultrasound Findings which says:

Hysterosalpingogram

Findings:

Hysterosalpingogram under fluoroscopy screen after injection of water soluble contrast through the cervical canal.

Normal smooth filling of the uterine cavity.  No evidence of uterine filling defect is seen. Normal smooth filling of the right fallopian tube with good spillage and peritoneal smearing. The left fallopian tube shows normal caliber with smooth filling till its fimbral end where there is saccular dilation at its fimbrial end with no spillage seen during the delayed peritoneal smearing.  Features are suggestive of left peritubal adhesion.

Impression:

Patent right tube.

Left tubal distal obstruction with suggested peritubal adhesion.

Pelvic Ultrasound

Clinical History:

Primary Infertility with history of endometriosis operated, for followup.

Findings:

Anteverted normal-sized uterus measuring 8.0 x 4.0 x 5.1 cm.

Endometrium is central and not thickened measuring 1.0 cm.

No mass lesion is seen in the myometrium.

No free fluid is seen in the posterior cul-de-sac.

Right ovary measures 2.5 x 1. x 3.4 cm with volume of 7.7 ml.  It shows a follicle measuring 1.6 x 1.5 cm.

Left ovary measures 2.9 x 2.0 x 2.9 cm with volume of 9.4 ml.  A small cyst measuring 1.0 x 0.9 cm is seen in the left ovary with low-level internal echoes could represent a small hemorrhagic cyst.

Impression:

Anteverted normal-sized uterus with endometrial thickness of 1.0 cm.  Both ovaries are normal in size, shape and echotexture with a developing follicle in the right ovary and small probably hemorrhagic cyst in the left ovary.  For clinical correlation.

For a while, I thought the world would fall over me.  I waited for six months now to TTC again and having to receive the bad news of having another cyst on your left ovary is a little bit over my comprehension!  But then, I was glad that Dr. FY was quick enough to pick my reaction up when she told me to lie down for she will perform and On-the-Spot Abdominal Scan.  I went on so willingly and all my worries disappeared in a second when she broke the silence when she exclaimed “There is no cyst!”.

Then we continue to talk more while she explained her view and reasons for recommending an IVF.  This time, I didn’t feel that gut feelings that I had when I was with Dr. AMS.  She explained things so thoroughly that I can feel her concern.  Nonetheless, she might have said things so nicely and she was indeed convincing, I still asked for other options and we came to agree on having to be under an Induced Ovulation through Clomid for three months.  I was instructed to take it from CDs 2-6 and she would want me to come back on CD 12 to have my hormones checked.  Unfortunately, the Appointment Desk can’t squeeze me in and she just decided to drop the blood works and let her see me after three months.

Though I am pleaesd with the overall outcome of this check-up, I still can’t help myself but to be sad for it seems that I am, once again, being left out in the wild on my own.  I will have to go through this three-month battle without being monitored.  

Well, what can I do?  At least I see hope came peeking through that small window…  What else can I ask for?

Look, I know that one stops getting their period while on Lupron and that it shuts down the body's reproductive hormone system but I just can't stop the urge of testing since I still have a Home Pregnancy Test (HPT) at hand. Funny though but I did it last night and guess what?  The Impatient Me stroke back again...

I don't know why but when I felt the need to go to the toilet last night, I just thought of grabbing the last piece of HPTs that I have in the Medicine Cabinet and immediately peed on it.  Of course, after instantly seeing the first well-defined line and not seeing a second line, I, once again, immediately set it aside and cleaned myself up.

Well, what do I expect since I just had my first shot of Lupron last February 27?

However, the Curious and Stubborn Me went to check the said HPT this morning and "wallah", another faint line???

And what is the meaning of this? c",)

Anyways, I just thought that it would be nice if I keep a memento of it.  Who knows???

Don't bother me.  I'm on Lupron and I can rip your freakin' head off!

Hello Blogesphere, I'm back!

How's everyone?  Did you guys miss me?  'Cause I did miss you all...

So, I really did miss out on a lot of things here ei???

Well, as for me and my journey, there's been too many things that have taken place since my last update and I can't think of a better way than to enumerate them all just to keep you guys updated and here they go...

08-Jan-2012.  I was woken up at 6:00 AM by one of the nurses to remove the IV Fluid attached.  It still wasn’t easy to move around yet but I was advised to try walking around to wake my system up for they still might be on sleep due to the anesthesia.  At 11:00 AM, they finally freed me from the Catheter. 

09-Jan-2012.  Been spotting for the past two days and I’m glad that the red flag gave me a break this time. I was still in pain but it was tolerable.  Planned to do a little walking but I haven’t been gone far enough from my room when I met Dr. SAA and her team down the hallway and was asked to go back to my room for they will have to check me up first.  I went back so willingly and the team checked my wounds and asked one of their members to clean and change the dressing.  After a few interrogations and exchange of words, they then decided that I am now free and ready to be discharged.  So, I immediately grabbed my mobile phone to inform Sir Bug about the discharge and the need for him to pick me up.  It was a good thing that one of my colleagues has gifted me with a red cotton dress which I changed into as soon as I got myself out of the patient gown and wore while on my way back home.  

10-Jan-2012.  Bled once again.  Though it was light, it did freaked me out specially that I am, at that time, already at home where no nurse can be called up for help.  Is this normal or what??? 

11-Jan-2012.  The bleeding went from light to medium and it really was freaking me out.  Talked to my mom over Skype and asked her to ask my aunt who works in a hospital to ask their OB Gyne Consultant if what was I experiencing that time was normal or not.  Thank God, they said that there was no need to worry for what I was experiencing was just normal.

12-Jan-2012.  Now, the bleeding went from medium to heavy and it was, indeed, painful.  Is this AF or what???  Ooopps, by the way, for the first time after my surgery, I pooped! 

13-Jan-2012.  The flow went down from heavy to medium.  I did a little research on the net and learned from one doctor that Aunt Flow (AF) is possible if you've ovulated prior to having the surgery performed. 

14-Jan-2012.  The flow finally went down to light and hoped that it will finally go away. 

15-Jan-2012.  No more flow but only spotting.  Yay! 

16-Jan-2012.  I’m finally free from flow and spotting.  Still wasn’t easy to move around though… 

18-Jan-2012.  The spotting stroke back. 

19-Jan-2012.  Still spotting… 

20-Jan-2012.  No more spotting.  I feel like as though I am trapped in Big Brother’s House.  I am, at that time, missing the outside world… 

21-Jan-2012.  This is it, I finally was able to see the outside world.  Had a 5:30 PM Follow-Up Check-Up with the doc.  Sir Bug picked me up at 4:00 PM and we went straight to our office to meet with my boss.  I am feeling a lot better and can now move around more freely.  Learned from my boss that I was granted a 28-Day Sick Leave beginning from the Date of Admission.  I was on the 16^th Day and is feeling really bored at home.  As for the check-up, I didn’t get to see Dr. ANB but another doctor instead.  There was nothing significant derived from that visit. 

23-Jan-2012.  Had another round of Follow-Up Check-up at 9:30 AM but went on early because of hubby’s schedule.  I was dropped off in the office at around 7:30 AM and stayed in there for a while.  Since I’ve been feeling like I’m a prisoner at my own home, my boss and I gave Dr. ANB a call to ask if it’s possible that I return back to work without consuming the whole 28 days of it.  As per hospital’s policy and Dr. ANB’s stand, 28 days is the standard number of Sick Leaves that must be granted for my kind of procedure and he cannot recommend something shorter than that.  However, he added up that it is up to me if I feel that I am strong and fit enough to return for work.  To double check things up, we called the Human Resources (HR) Department and inquired about the possibility.  Luckily, they said it’s possible!  Strange though…  But I am happy and really did plan to come back for work on the 21^st Day.  I don’t want to consume my whole 30 Days Sick Leave Allotment in one blow and during the first month of the year.  Most importantly, I plan to file for an Annual Vacation two (2) weeks after my return.  Need to cool things up you know???  As for the Follow-Up Check-Up, I’ve learned for the first time from Dr. Fatima that one of the reasons why Dr. ANB and Dr. RZ decided to push through with the Laparotomy was because the Endometrioma was too attached or close to the Endometrial Wall.  We also talked about my Fallopian Tubes and its condition that prompted her to write a request for a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which must be done right after my period.  Yeah right, I hope the surgery didn’t mess up with my cycle! 

25-Jan-2012.  It’s my 35^th Birthday and I sure am so glad for all of God’s blessings.  I hosted a small gathering at home for close friends and relatives.  ‘Twas also a Thanksgiving Party for a Successful Surgery. 

28-Jan-2012.  Returned back to work and just in time for the Monthly Reports.  Not much moving needed but work is a little brain-draining… 

10-Feb-2012.  Experienced Medium Bleeding.  I guessed that was AF messing around with me and she's a week early!  Still experienced some cramps but not as bad as it used to. 

11-Feb-2012.  Woke up with lots of big rashes all over.  The bleeding went on from medium to heavy.  Working isn’t comfortable at this state so I have to rush myself to the Employee Health Clinic (EHC) and was diagnosed with an Acute Urticaria.  Oh no! 

12-Feb-2012.  The flow went down from heavy to medium.  Still having those awful cramps.


14-Feb-2012.  The bleeding is now down from medium to light and I felt a lot better now.  In fact, I even managed to visit the mall and paid GNC Live Well Store and got myself a bottle of Dong Quai. 

15-Feb-2012.  Started taking two (2) 565mg capsules of GNC Dong Quai twice a day.  So far, I haven’t felt any violent reactions yet.

16-Feb-2012.  Feeling a little heavy after taking the last dose of Dong Quai for the day.  Felt like I wasn’t able to digest what I ate for dinner.  Slept early. 

17-Feb-2012.  Woke up at 12:00 MN due to urge of wanting to throw up.  Been vomiting from that time onward ‘til 6:00 AM where there is nothing more to throw.  Okay, I think I have to stop talking Dong Quai for a while.  Was only able to sleep at 11:00 AM. 

22-Feb-2012.  Scheduled for an HSG.  Had to report an hour early for a Pregnancy Test which I am sure will turn out to be a negative.  Took  two (2) tablets of Advil an hour before my scheduled HSG but was administered with another round of Diclofenac Sulfate Tablet prior to the procedure.  Ouch, thought I had myself prepared for this one but it still hurt!  I was advised me not to worry if bleeding occurs in the next few days ‘cause it’s all normal…  Their prediction is definitely right 'cause I bled right away and not just bled - I bled with clots.!  Yeah right, with clots just like those that comes out during AF's visit!  Oh, by the way, according to the doc, the right tube was blocked.  What the?!? 

27-Feb-2012.  Follow-Up Check-Up with Dr. ANB.  He told me not to worry about the blockage because it was caused by the adhesions resulted from the surgery.  He said that it’ll definitely work that way since the scars are still healing.  I still have the other tube in tact anyways…  I also asked him if I am now alright to try for a baby and he answered with a big “YES”.  Haha, Sir Bug will be happy to hear about this!  Then, he called the pharmacy and asked for the availability of Lupron.  Lupron?  Yeah, I had my first shot of Lupron Depot administered that day.  Don’t know what’s going to happen next but since it’s free and Dr. ANB was a very credible one, I didn’t object to it.  I will be on Lupron for the next two (2) months by the way…

So I guess these were all it.  I know I’ve written a lot and I hope you guys won’t be bored with me.  I’ve been super busy these past days both with work and at home that I can’t even find time to log-in and check my Facebook Account.  Today, I thank God for He has given me this freedom to check my blog and squeeze in some time to write an update before February ends.  Also, I thank you all, especially you Jess for keeping in touch.  God bless us all in this journey!

I don't want to sound complaining but how long do I really need to endure this severe menstrual cramps?  It hurt so much that it is enough to knock me off of my feet and interfere with my daily routine.  The twinges here and there feels like a punishment and Tylenol is the only friend that I can trust.  I am so tempted to grab my old friend Advil but having been able to learn how Ibuprofen's been unfriendly to Fertility, I am willing to bear the pain and settle for Paracetamol's subtleness.  I just wanted to put an end to this disease!