Of Uncertainty, Joy, Fear, Trust, Love and Faith

Posted Posted by Lady Bug in , , Comments 1 comments

Today is Cycle Day (CD) No. 36 and I am so confused, frustrated and scared to death!

I normally have a 28-30 Day Cycle and a Lutheal Phase (LH) of 13 and yesterday, since it was CD35, I caved in and peed on a stick.  I prepared my heart to be crushed again but hope was just around the corner when a line, not so dark though, showed up in an instant.  I couldn’t believe what I saw but I can’t help myself but cling in to that little window of hope.  Could I really be pregnant?  What If?  But why is the bottom part of the line darker than its upper part?  Hence, they say that a line is still a line and I’d like to take it as a Big Fat Positive (BFP)!

My heart went pumping really early fast this morning when I get to learn that my temperature just dropped.  Since it was still above the coverline, I just ignored it.  However, when I went to pee on the two (2) different sticks that I have at home, my heart was, once again, broken when they showed two (2) different results.  They don’t seem to agree with each other because one (1) stick gave me a BFP while the other came up with a Big Fat Negative (BFN).  What the???  This doesn’t seem so good…

Then, I felt like my heart has been beaten to death when, an hour later, I saw a tinged of pale brown color in the tissue after I have wiped it.  I felt so distressed that after having been upped with all those hopes, something immediately snatched it away from me and now, I am faced with a thought of an Ectopic Pregnancy or an Early Miscarriage?  This is so devastating!

I couldn’t help but feel sad.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to freak out.  But you know what?  I think I’ve heard a small voice telling me that I must act and feel that way for I am so loved by my God and that He surely knows what He is doing and has planned everything according to His time.  I just need to put my trust in Him.  I just have to…

“Fear not and lift everything up to Him!”   That’s what my mom told me when she learned about the bad news.  “Don’t worry my dear, He will take care of everything.  Just be patient.  It’ll come to you.”

I don’t know but upon hearing her words, I felt much better.  Thanks Mom.  You really are the best.  I love you so much!


Emily @ablanket2keep said...

It is so difficult to just give it to God and believe in His timing. I'm sorry honey. Hoping and praying His timing for you is soon. Hugz!

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